It seems love has found me and I am finding it difficult to comprehend.
I stopped thinking it would find me after receiving one too many blows to my heart and shedding more tears than usual.
Even though it beats normally, affirming stability, I find I still feel as though a dark hole is right where it lies. It is dark and cold and all I feel is an emptiness that threatens to make me cry on the outside.
I can only cry within
And I cry because a lack of love in life can be disempowering.
What is it like to have no hole in your heart because it was filled during your formative years?
What is it like to feel warm and comforted because you have loving arms to run into?
I am unaware of how that feels but I am open to learning.
The hurt from the past has been profound, that I find myself sitting a bit longer when I talk to God about you.
Our conversation is private but I know my feelings can be seen through the width of my smile and the height of my cheeks.
I have never known smiling to hurt so much.
Despite the fact that you make my heart sing, my fears interrupt with a different tune.
What if the past repeats itself?
What if my void becomes deeper?
What if I am unable to take another blow to my heart?
Deep down, I feel that I have no fight left but I am learning that we must be willing to take chances on love even if we are unable to see the outcome.
I am happy to plant these seeds and water them daily in the hopes that they will grow into something beautiful.
I feel love is a leap of faith.
It is breathing, easy and done without thinking.
It is energising and beautifully overwhelming.
It is comforting and I can testify to this as it feels as though my void is slowly accommodating a strange warmth.
(Is this the feeling?)
Love feels infinite.
It is transformative.
It sheds old skin to reveal the new.
It is healing.
It is renewal.
It is home.
Life has taught me the joyful parts of love whereas previous lessons have been of pain.
People can be cruel to the ones that love them just because, and it is best to love yourself enough to know when it is time to leave.
Despite offering to give someone all the love in the world, they will still leave without a word if they wanted to.
Those ones never deserved you.
You may bare your soul to another with the purest intentions and have it ignored and pushed aside like the messages are meaningless and you are insignificant.
Your soul is expensive and its access must be earned, not given freely like small chops at a wedding.
‘What ifs’ used to run through my mind constantly.
What if you turned out cruel?
What if you disappeared without a word?
What if after I bared my soul to you, you shut down and call it quits?
I have now realised that you are not my past but my present wrapped uniquely in all the goodness God has to offer.
An offering of compensation for a difficult emotional beginning.
Another love lesson that has let me know we are not how we start but how we finish.
I may not know what our outcome will be but I am holding on to the current lesson I am learning:
Focus on the present moment because all we have is now and in this moment, make sure to always choose love over any other feeling.
So I surrender,
Choosing to jump off this cliff,
Allowing myself to land in the ocean of love
And to flow
Till I find myself where I am meant to be
And hopefully, it will be in your loving arms.